What might of been
by Ruthyroo
Summary: A one shot from Ste's point of view where he is in a relationship with Doug, but is he happy?


**What might have been**

It felt weird being in a relationship again, I guess I had kind of got used to being on my own. Doug was great though, he's very cute and now I really did have everything I'd ever wanted…..didn't i?

We'd been together for a while now, about six months, sometimes it got a bit much being in a relationship and working together but I suppose I'd always done that kind of thing before with him. Doug is always there for me, he is good for me, so why does it still feel like there is something missing….maybe because there is.

There is only one man that makes me feel so many things that I can't explain them, who turns my legs to jelly, who makes me feel my stomach is twisted in knots when we kiss, who gives me the best sex I'd ever had. There's only one man I'd ever truly loved and that's him, but it's all too late now.

I had the chance to go back to him but I chose Doug, I thought that he'd be better for me and he is, but is he what I really want deep down? Then I'd have to say no because even after everything, it has always been him. Our paths cross sometimes and I can still feel the pull between us, I know he can too, but we decided or at least I decided to leave all that in the past, how stupid was i?

I think with Doug I was flattered at first that someone wanted to be with me so much, and with him I was always his dirty little secret, like I was never good enough. He made me feel like he was ashamed to be with me. But here I am six months on and I'm still thinking about him, I always do think about him. I wonder how Doug doesn't notice; I suppose im getting good at hiding my feelings.

In my head I compare everything that Doug does to him, he always makes me feel more every time. I ask myself over and over again why I didn't follow my heart; truth was it had let me down so much in the past and I didn't think I could take any more heartache with him, it always did hurt so much. So this time I followed my head, turns out that was wrong too.

He kept calling me for a while, begged me to take him back, I never thought I'd ever see him beg but he did. He played his usual games and even tried to split me and Doug up but I stayed strong and stuck to the decision I made no matter how much it hurt me. No matter how much I wanted to feel him in my arms, no matter how badly I needed to touch him, I ignored every single feeling I had for him.

It's been about four weeks since he last called me, it's because he had a new toy to play with. I've seen them together, he is younger than him, I'd say around twenty five, slim build like me but very good looking. I hated seeing them together. All I'd ever wanted was to be with him openly but I never got the chance, it was always taken away from me. Seeing him being so open with another man felt like a big slap in the face, it was like someone else was living my life, my dreams.

He is over me now and I need to get over him. Maybe love will come with Doug, maybe I should just give it more time. I think a lot of Doug, don't get me wrong but he will never be him. I wish Doug could help me to move on, make me forget, but it's impossible to forget someone who makes you feel so alive, so desired, and so complete. It's not a perfect situation and he is far from being perfect but he is perfect for me. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, with a man that I don't even love, at least not in the way I should.

Maybe I should just be on my own, it's not fair on Doug, and it's not even fair on me. I do care a lot about Doug though, we are great friends and that is something I didn't really have with him, but it's not enough and we both deserve more than that. Where do I even begin to explain things, we work together, we have built a life together, it will ruin everything, I just don't know how much longer i can live a lie and live without him. The sad thing is Doug hasn't got a clue, or maybe he has.

I try hard not to love him, I try hard not to think of him but it's just no use as it's something that comes natural to me, loving him is easy. He is part of me and always will be. I can't help but think of how things could of turned out, if I had of chosen him. I know it's stupid but I imagine us being together, being happy, and never getting enough of one another, other people being jealous of us because we're so in love, silly hey?

But that's all I have of Brendan now, thoughts, what if's and the wonder of what might have been.

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